9.14.24 you know, today kinda got me, crying myself sick all over the house but you know what I persevere and possibly am suffering some kind of mania because the switch up is actually so clinical. i mean bawling like someone died type crying, not eating even when hungry, catastrophizing my entire life and every single choice I've ever made, and then suddenly everything got really fucking funny. and now i'm suffering from SUCCESS. good god what is happening to me, to my mind, am I dying, is this all it was? I think with the mood i'm in now i'd probably be ok with that. but im probably not dying i'm jsut some sort of -affective. so much peace and love to every single person who has ever lived and everyone after that. god bless america. god bless nascar.
8.10.24 not to get insane but i really want to make a breadboard synth like this one guy I saw on youtube here. i have the breadboard and thats about it. but i feel like i can do it. i have the strength. ummm anyways things have been okay, job shits, but ive been constructing a pretty cool project (an italian gamurra dress) and that's been fun. the family is digging it. also softlaunched moving out and it was takennn well? they want me to buy a house (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha) but i'm honestly just keen on getting tfo. it would be VERY cool to own a townhouse but i need to build credit and wriggle out of school debt. whatevs i'll figure it out. i always win i think. oh shit also i've been actually practicing eating mindfully and demurely (tik tok reference this will not be funny in 2-3 weeks), meaning i'm not eating like a starved dog and actually start eating when i'm hungry. it's seriously curbed my acid reflux and i've lost some inches, NOT on my penis, but on mine stomach. which is good i think! feels healthy and nicer to move, whereas before i was too bloated to do much. neck hurts right now because i was laying weird watching deadpool. i think that's why this entry is so crass, soz :(
7.18.24 I haven't discussed it yet but I'm a bit of an Aussiboo to be tbh. It's very cringey and embarrassing to admit out loud. I think it started because I got really obsessed with King Gizzard in 2019, and would repeat their interviews and KEXP sessions on loop so much I started picking up phrases and accents from the videos. Actually it probably started earlier with Cold Ones, and earlier still with just too much Maxmoefoe as a youngin. But rubberband snapping back to present day, yeah I really got into King Gizzard, and then got into adjacent bands (Babe Rainbow, TFS). Then I started watching Bluey with my old roommate because it was very charming and we were emotionally stunted adult children. I feel like I missed a step somewhere. But whatever. Anyways I started YOLO (crystal fantasy) yesterday and its really funny. I like the girls a lot, they're really silly and goofy in a way I don't usually see cartoon girls being. Of course they still have partygirl interests but they're also like just people making their way through life, it's nice. A lot of times cartoons (media in general) put their female characters feminine identity first, identity as a sister, or a mother, or a girlfriend. Not a lot of times do I see girls just being girls who party and are mean to each other and throw up and gamble all their money and hock loogies and blow snot rockets and shit. IDK. It's always "oh, what about my family or my children or my parents or" xyz, agency arrested to duties assigned at birth, assigned at first socialization. NEVER "I have to blow 4 million terry coins on this dancing thing" and losing it all. That's REAL womanhood to me. Oh yeah but god bless straya shrimp on the barbie crocodile dundee shit yewwww what fucking ever thanks for reading BIIIIYEEEEE
7.12.24 I just remembered that one time when i was a teenager and I was in total white male rap fan euphoria explaining TPAB to my mom and got really hot and winded because I was talking so fast and passionately. She get worried and put her hand to my head like I was a victorian child with consumption. They don't put that shit in the DSM man but that's gotta be autism or something right
7.10.24 im sorry for talking crazy about chappelle roan earlier. i understand her work. i can't get behind that damned album though i think the cheerleading is fucking annoyinggggg. her music is definitely for a younger crowd. i really like pink pony club but i saw i tik tok a few days ago that pissed me off. it was about mourning how you can love your rural hometown but your rural hometown will not love you back as a queer person and everyone in the comments were like "wow this is just like pink pony club!" WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is directly OPPOSING the ideals of pink pony club which is about LEAVING your hometown for a metro city like santa monica. only once in the bridge does she ever express loving her hometown. when i was younger, i wanted that very badly, but as ive grown older i realize how much i love living in the southern US. idk it just pissed me off so bad like how do you fuck up the interpretation of the song THAT badly.
6.28.24 im at the beach but sadly fell ill with moonsickness. my insides claw at the walls of my body. it's ok though! i got a chance to write more about my fucked up digital fantasies and finally uploaded. its not really NSFW yet but i anticipate it might get more fucked up. lol.
6.19.24 here's a bunch of stuff from my phone notes.
theres a sick pop of skin splitting open and tearing from itself, the muscle beneath rotting away and sloughing off my his bones like a tender steak that falls apart, blood like butter oozing through the gaps in the striations. he seems to glows red hot under his own decay like an irradiated stone.
in a dream, they laughed and said i was being so skeptical and began to correctly guess my feelings and actions throughout the past week without having been there. on the table was a picture of all of us. i had red scribbles on my forearms, a circle around the eye that twitches when im stressed, and various other areas. they told me this is where my anxiety lives. there was a black cloudy scribble on my stomach but they did not tell me what it was. they said i had to be open to the practice now, and made me do psychedelics. i became a man and I tripped down a sunny beach place, where the flora edges the last dunes before you hit flat sand. i tried to leverage myself against a palm tree. my stomach queased me awake and I was lying on my back, sweating. my body was asleep with pin pricks down my arms. I could hear my insides churning.
sorry for not understanding ch@ppell roan. I really tried to like it but i couldnt get with it which is disappointing as a lesbian adjacent wo=man. play by play listening to follow: -- ; CONTENT WARNING -- HATER MODE FOR CHAPPELLE ROAN. feminomenon -- i think this set the tone for the whole album its very theatrical with a lot of spoken parts and goofy on the nose wordplay and i could not handle it. no offense. red wine supernova ohhh my heavens this is just how the album sounds. the cheerleading backing vocals piss me awerrrfff not gonna lie. i feel llike I heard a song from her that way more weyes blood and i was expecting that. this is so weird because it's like including the concert chants in the actual song wtf noooooo. i like the chorus. "ok yall lets pick it up now!" SHUT THE HELL UPPPP WTF ARE WE DOING!!! if trolls was more full on adult this is what poppy would sing. after midnight this is what we've been waiting foorrrr yaaas. feels like skating on the boardwalk type music. she pulled back on the spoken word which is awesome!! I SPOKE TOO SOON NOOOOOOOO WHY ARE WE TALKINGGGG. this is like when taylor swift stops her flow in shake it off to talk bullshit like if you dont SING HO!!!!!!!!!!!! and the fact that we're doing this every song like whats fucking happenning!!!!! gave up at this point, apologies. HELP ME LOVE CHAPPELLE BY SENDING YOUR FAVORITE SONGS TO MY GUESTBOOK.